Sigh…it has been a frustrating day. As usual, I had a wonderful day doing my clinical work. I spent the morning in the cardiac cath lab, giving an anesthetic to a little one who had a defect in his heart that required closure. I spent the afternoon up on the Hematology ward giving sedations for little ones who needed lumbar punctures and bone marrows. Just the type of clinical day I love: busy, rewarding, fun, and satisfying. In the middle, I even managed to meet a friend (who is a pediatrician) for lunch as she had texted asking if we could meet because she wanted some advice about anesthesia protocols. I never get to eat lunch in a relaxed fashion, usually eating on the run in between cases. But the stars aligned, and I had the wonderful treat of lunch with a friend at work! And we even managed to sort out her patient’s predicament! All in all a great day!

Then…I went to my department lounge only to overhear discussions about what we are doing with hiring, fellows, etc. My department is a phenomenal clinical department, but there isn’t a lot of “new blood” in it. I am the first new hire in many years. And often people are wary of change. Particularly, anesthesiologists: we tend to be organized, routinized, and at times, rigid, people. I know this. I share these traits! But the world changes, medicine changes and advances, and we need to grow to meet that change. I heard the discussions from some of the senior members of my department, and I was suddenly confronted by the thought that things may not change here. People are so wary of change, they will do extreme things to keep the status quo. As a person who has worked in several places, I have seen the advantages of doing some things differently. Not all things, but there is always room for improvement!

But I felt defeated. I felt deflated. I always assumed that as some of the senior people took a step back, we could slowly move forward with some changes. What I heard today made me think this might not be possible. That I might always be viewed as the “junior staff member” who doesn’t have enough experience to have an opinion. I know this isn’t about me. I know this is about people wary of change, but oh it is disheartening.

I got home very late from work, as I had a late meeting. I could hear Micah and Ariel giggling in Micah’s bed. Then I heard, “Mummy is home! She is going to change and come and see us! Yay!”. And I was reminded of why I am so grateful that work is only one part of my life. Oh, how grateful I am.