Monthly Archives: May 2013

F Sharp…Just Another Bad Word Starting with F

21 Tuesday May 2013

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I haven’t written about our Suzuki violin experience in a long time, which is funny because it has sort of taken over our lives this year. On the afternoon of our second-to-last violin performance of the year, I thought it was appropriate to share a little about this year in music for us.

Our violin teacher extraordinaire, Kathleen, moved into our city this year and so started a full on violin program this year. This includes not only our weekly private lessons, monthly Suzuki group lessons, but also weekly beginner orchestra for Micah, and numerous performances.

Kathleen set about setting up programs and challenges to motivate families to practice more and commit more to learning their instrument. She added the memorization of poems to the tasks for us to accomplish. And perhaps most ambitious of all, she asked us to commit to trying a “100 Day Challenge”.

According to Kathleen, this challenge has simple rules:

No skipping days
You must play the violin for 5 minutes every day
IF the sun hasn’t come up, there is still time

So…we did the 100 day challenge. That is right, I want some applause. I successfully managed to force my children to practice the violin for 100 days without skipping a day. Although on Day 99 (!!!!), I was on call and Tim forgot and had to WAKE UP Ariel from a deep sleep to practice! (Otherwise she would have had to start over at day 1 and I wasn’t sure I had it in me). The result of the challenge was pretty incredible, I have to admit it. The progress was amazing. And after about 30 days, they were resigned to practicing everyday so there was no more arguing or negotiating to practice “tomorrow”.

Anyway, I could tell you (and likely will at a later date) about the benefits to my children, the community we have developed with other families, etc., but what I most want to share is how F sharp has become like another four letter word for me.

I don’t know why, but F sharp seems to be a difficult note to remember for the beginning violinist. Ariel has made incredible progress this year. Up until December, she couldn’t play a single song and now she is just flying through the songs. But there is something about F sharp. It is in the very first song you learn (Twinkle Star), the first scale (A scale), and repeated many times. She never remembers. OK, that is an exaggeration. But I feel like I am saying “F sharp. F sharp!, F SHARP!!!” about 100 times each practice session. I am totally annoyed about this. And I seem to forget that I am saying this to a, until recently, 4-year-old violinist!

The worst moment of realization came when I was trying to take a video of Ariel playing Twinkle Star, for Nanny. I took the video and then she wanted to see it. And there it was: recorded proof of horrible mommy-hood. My voice, sounding extremely bored, irritated, and annoyed all at the same time: F sharp. F sharp! F SHARP!!!!

So yes, my 2 older kids are fairly accomplished violinists now, having played at many solo and group recitals having survived the 100 day challenge. And it all looks so pretty and nice from the outside. But in the background, is some kind of tiger mom yelling F sharp. And thinking many other four letter words in her head “why can’t she remember that note!!!!”.

And so we are off tonight to the orchestra concert….

On the Eve of her Fifth

13 Monday May 2013

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My daughter is almost 5. Like, we are hours from the 5th anniversary of her entry into the world. It is a cliché, but time really is passing by so quickly.

I always wanted a daughter, even when I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, I wanted to have a daughter. I love little girls, I love women, I love old ladies, and I love the relationship I have with my own mother. And so, I always wanted a daughter.

People will tell you to be careful what you wish for, you never actually know what you are going to get. I guess this is true in some areas, but not in motherhood. In my experience, what you get far exceeds what you wish for.

When she was 3, my daughter was a BIG challenge. She was difficult MOST of the time. And then one morning, she woke up and declared that was “going to be nice now”. Tim and I were incredulous: who just declares they are going to change their behaviour and then actually does it?! Apparently, our daughter. Don’t get me wrong, she is still her strong-willed, knows her mind self. But she is also sweeter, more patient, and loving. (We won’t even think about the possible day when she wakes up with a another declaration….)

My daughter is my second child. She was born of a reasonably quick labour at 3 am. Truth be told, I hadn’t really cared about gender the second time around. With MIcah, I secretly wanted a girl, but then I LOVED being a mom to a boy, that I thought it would be amazing to do that again and have 2 boys – brothers! But the she arrived – our beautiful, feisty, stubborn, full of happiness and life little girl. I was DELIGHTED. I was SO happy with her. I was SO delighted with my baby (girl) that I thought everyone should have a second baby, just to experience this joy. This feeling of love and contentment, free from the worry of the first time parent.

We brought her home and her brother promptly put her in the back of his Tonka truck and drove her around. It was their first hilarious and sweet sibling moment. I thought she was pointy looking and she had birthmark on her forehead, I didn’t care. She was MY DAUGHTER and I loved her so much.

And now she is five. And she is full of life! And she is full of love! And she likes all things girly and princess and also all things her older brother likes (Lego and mine craft and basketball). She is a glass half full little girl. She is a tempest in a teapot (apparently just like her mother was). She is strong and stubborn and beautiful. She has strong views on many things. When she is angry, she tell us, her family, that we are ANNOYING her and should leave her alone. When she is excited, her whole body shakes and her hands flutter. Her eyes light up and sparkle and her whole body is alive with energy.

My daughter loves ballet and learning to play the violin, and working outside with her dad, and riding her bike, and dressing up fancy for no occasion. When she grows up she is going to be a dancer, a dentist, and a doctor for children. She loves playing school with her baby brother, who figures prominently in all of her games. She loves to work in the kitchen with whoever is cooking there.

To say my daughter has exceeded my expectations would be an understatement. My smart, stubborn, beautiful, bossy, loving, happy girly girl is more than I ever could have hoped for in a daughter. I cannot believe she is five. I am so lucky to be her mother – what a privilege.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl.

Mindful Moms

12 Sunday May 2013

Posted by in Mindfulness, Motherhood

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On this Mother’s Day, I am reflecting on all of the wonderful mothers I am lucky enough to call my friends. About 9 months ago (haha – the same time it takes to make you a mother!) I sent the following email to 4 women:

Hello Ladies – old friends and new,

I am emailing with a bit of confession and a “no pressure” invitation.

First, the confession:

So…I lead this blessed life (I think) with healthy beautiful children, a spouse I love, financial security, a rewarding job, and wonderful friends. And yet, I often find it HARD. I struggle to enjoy the many daily beautiful moments that make up my life. I am constantly thinking or worrying about the next thing: the next meal, the next task, the next thing on the to do list, etc. And I feel a bit like it is all passing me by and soon my kids will have moved on and I will look back and wonder why I wasn’t able to enjoy it all and soak it all in. And I wonder why I find it hard, when so many others have it so much harder!

I embarked on a bit of a personal journey (about 5 years ago) which involved learning more about mindfulness, meditation, and kripalu yoga. My goals were to become a more peaceful person, mother, friend, wife. I have had some success. I am much more aware of my anxieties and distractions. But the old issues keep on creeping in. When I am struggling with something, I turn to books (I know, but once a nerd, always a nerd).

Last March, my oldest friend and I were lucky enough to go to a 3 day retreat on loving-kindness meditation. One of the leaders mentioned she was going to speak at a group called the “Mindful Moms”.

So….you can see where I am headed. I started thinking that maybe this is what I want to try to create. A community of women who meet and support each other and help each to be more mindful in their daily lives, to practice enjoying all those little moments that are so fleeting and so beautiful.

I have had conversations with each of you, at some point, that have suggested to me that you might also be interested in such a thing. I have been trying to read this book:

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting – by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

I figured a book written by an expert in using Mindfulness practice to reduce stress and treat depression, might be a good place to start. He wrote this book with his wife and it appears to be full of wisdom and anecdotes. The problem is, it is dense. I have only made it through the introduction and I can tell I need some help.

I sent this email out with an invitation to join me in reading the book – to meet monthly to talk about it. I was SO nervous! And I was incredibly moved to receive overwhelming positive responses. Since that time we have grown into a group of 8 woman – some with children with special challenges, others with marriages with special challenges, and all of with the common desire to do better in appreciating our lives. And a desire to be more mindful of our many, many blessings.

It has been energizing getting to know these women and reading this book together. I know I am more mindful with my children AND with my husband – the effects roll out to all areas of my life. I admire these women so much and I have learned more than I thought would be possible just from spending time with them.

I am so grateful to these women for compassionately reading my confession and accepting my invitation. It was a turning point for me to write the email that confessed to myself and others how I really felt about my life and how I wanted that to change. I am grateful to be in the regular company of these mothers who inspire, nurture, love and try every day to do even better for themselves and their families.

In fact, I am so grateful for all of the women in my life, both those who live near and those who are far away, who continue to support, inspire, and amaze me. Thank you for your continued presence in my life. It is difficult to express just how important you are to me, but I hope you know it anyway.

Love to all of you today on Mother’s Day.

Through the doors…

08 Wednesday May 2013

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In the OR suite where I work, there are 2 big sets of double doors that patients must pass through to get to the corridor where the operating rooms are. They say good-bye to their parents just outside the first set. Both sets of doors are automatic doors, so there is a brief interlude where both sets of doors are open and families can watch their children walk away from them toward the operating rooms.

Recently, I have started noticing these moments. They are beautiful, sweet, sad moments all rolled into a few seconds of actual time. Luckily, most children coming for surgery are well, they only need a minor operation and will be on their way to happy, healthy times. Of course, some are not well, and may never be healthy again. But for families that moment of saying goodbye and watching their child walk away is so very, very hard.

As a mother, my heart hurts for them as I think about what that would be like: sending your child into the unknown with a stranger…it would just feel wrong. But so many families do this time and again and they do with strength and grace.

As a doctor, I am struck by the sweetness of the moment. I watch as a nurse walks slowly through the doors holding a small hand, chatting with their patient and pointing out all of the interesting thing that are painted on our walls. This is a beautiful image. A child trusting this nurse enough to walk with them and chat and hold their hands on the way to their operation.

Of course, not all children come so peacefully, some are crying, some are fighting, some are just yelling angry words. But all the nurses are calm, and tender, and doing everything they can to sooth and reassure the patients. Surprisingly, most of these tumultuous children calm down as soon as the second set of doors close and they can no longer see their families. It is as if they realize that this is a new world, with different people in whom to put their trust.

Oh, one more reason I love my job: watching people go through the double doors. And better yet, being the person who gets to hold that small hand or carry the small baby through those doors. Lucky, I am very very lucky to work in this environment.

May the Month of May be Experienced Mindfully

01 Wednesday May 2013

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The first day of May. Wow, this year has gone fast. One of my best friends returns to work today after one year of maternity leave (how I miss the access I had to her during this year!). My daughter will turn 5 next week – 5! I know it is a cliché, but how did this happen? She is almost entirely a “big girl” now instead of my “tiny daughter”. And we have more fun things planned during this month than any family should have planned!

We have visits with grandparents, long-awaited dinners out with friends, violin solos and group concerts, field trips, a trip away each for mom and dad, and very good friends coming to visit us for the first time, and my annual homage to running: a 10K with great friends.

I look at the month ahead and I feel so many things: anticipation, excitement, nervousness, and also fatigue and worry. I worry because I know that I do not usually weather a packed schedule gracefully. I easily become overwhelmed with the constant need to stay on schedule, not waste a minute, and plan ahead for the next event. This takes it toll on me but more importantly it takes it toll on those around me. I become irritable and impatient. I start wondering why people can’t hurry up: can’t they see we have to be efficient or we will never make the next thing happen!

Oh yes, a jammed schedule does not a happy, mindful mother make, even when the schedule is jammed with wonderful, fun things. And the result is a tired, cranky mother and an unhappy household. And then we miss the fun of all the things we did.

So I am pledging to myself to try harder to do it differently this time. Here is my pledge:

I will be mindful of the wonderful activities we are doing WHILE we are doing them.
I will remember that my children did NOT make the schedule and do NOT understand that they/we are short on time.
It does not matter if we are late sometimes.
It is OK if a few things slide during the month of May…like violin practice and eating green vegetables every day.
I WILL go to bed early on the nights when that is possible (just add sleep deprivation to the jammed schedule and I am embarrassed to admit the bad behaviours that can occur).
I will be MINDFUL for at least a few minutes of each wonderful thing we do.
I will be MINDFUL.

I repeated that last one a few times because I am pretty sure it is the key to all of the rest.

I want to relish and enjoy the month of May, not just try to get through it.

Wish me luck. I wish you a beautiful month of May.